up &breathing

I feel okay lately. Family is positive. Daddy on Wednesday. School is just blah. Those two weeks have put me so behind and I'm just disgustingly unmotivated.. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do next year. I keep putting off making any sort of decision. Typical.

My mind is skipping forward to mid-month. I can't wait to leave this state, my life, even for just ten days. I can't wait to be in NYC again &see my family. I can't wait to go shopping (usual marc jacobs trip!). I CANNOT wait for Spumoni. I can't wait to see everyone in Boston and finally see him after this month without. Finally no need for all night phone/txt conversations. Relief.

These next 10 days need to speed by. This year seems so weird. No definite plans, it's unsettling to be at a point where I don't know exactly what I'm doing. I've always been comfortable with it, but now it seems drastic.
I just
don't
know.

drained

Ashley's going to rehab for the next three months. I'm sitting in class when I should be there. I don't know what she's feeling, she's always so calm. I can't stop crying every now and then. I hate this. I honestly can't believe this. I'm so crushed. Why couldn't this just happen to me. This isn't supposed to happen to my little baby sister. God I'm so fucking mad. I can't stop thinking about it. I want to make my mom feel better but I can't, I don't know what to say. We are her life, we've always been her entire life, I can't imagine how she feels. She is the most amazing woman I know and I'm so sorry that this is happening. I hate this so much. I wonder what my dad said last night. I need to stop thinking about this, I just can't deal.

I need to study for my algebra and government tests. I nee to set up my tattoo appointment and get shit straight with my car. My 21st birthday is on Saturday, I don't know how I'll enjoy it. I'm so sad I can't stop thinking about Ash. My heart is so broken. God I can't stop crying now I feel so stupid. I really miss him. I guess it just takes my mind off of this. On to another fucked up semi-good situation. Blah I wish I could be there. I really just want him to kiss me right now.

I wish yesterday never happened.