waking up i realized how ironic things are

So plans were made and bought. I guess I went to sleep thinking of them the other night because it happened in my dreams. And waking up was one hundred times more disappointing then usual. But my dream seemed so real. We just count down the days.

and i don't feel like an idiot, i really don't. I don't think half people who think they know me really do. They don't seem to realize how far my apathy really stretches and how disgusting it is. I want to care, but i do not want to change. And as long as i keep drowning myself into this sea of alcohol &other intoxicating elements, all my second thoughts and self-doubt will not surface long enough to breathe. i am really fine with that.