if we're quiet &shut the door, they won't know

I've found out more than I wanted to. It's all over my head, it makes me incredibly sad. It's more than I imagined, it's so sad.... This weekend will be consumed by my mother and sisters. So I'll skip my routine of drinking. My plans for Brooklyn have been rearranged again and again, no set date now because Ashley doesn't have one. so frustrating.

I am on empty lately. Not phased by anything. I've realized my trust in anyone has been non-existant. Words, actions - doesn't mean much these days. Who am I to talk though right? I don't know, it makes sense to me. I miss knowing things. I want to be assured. Those days have come and gone, maybe I just didn't appriciate it enough.

Tuesday I have my only exam and I'm done for the semester. What a joke. I really am going to turn everything around when I come back, or whatever happens.

Travis picked this book up and Laur was talking about it last night (she treated me to sushi and sake which I've been craving!). So I started to look at it and I'm surprisingly, strangely interested in it. Love and gratitude...who knows, maybe it will kill my pessimism(is that a word?).

Obsessed with things I'm always told I shouldn't be, but it's gone back to worse in the past few months. I want to stop this routine but I really cannot. d y i n g.

sweetie you had me

i'm lazy. everyday i set out to do certain things, and usually fail at accomplishing 98% of them.

i never do this.

waking up i realized how ironic things are

So plans were made and bought. I guess I went to sleep thinking of them the other night because it happened in my dreams. And waking up was one hundred times more disappointing then usual. But my dream seemed so real. We just count down the days.

and i don't feel like an idiot, i really don't. I don't think half people who think they know me really do. They don't seem to realize how far my apathy really stretches and how disgusting it is. I want to care, but i do not want to change. And as long as i keep drowning myself into this sea of alcohol &other intoxicating elements, all my second thoughts and self-doubt will not surface long enough to breathe. i am really fine with that.