i spent hours just sitting on the beach yesterday. completely empty beach. the weather was perfect; sunny and cool. i never really noticed how peaceful it really is to just lay down and listen to the waves. when our lease is up in march my new place of residence will be in santa monica. it'll make being here so much better.

three years of consistent disease. i feel sick.

Have you ever had the sensation of losing flesh? You begin to feel the bones of your skeleton under your flesh. Bones of the shoulders. Bones of the rib cage. Bones of the hips. It is like finding a new being, one free of desire, free of time, almost.




it feels good to be gone. i swear it drags you down. there is someone to pick me off the bathroom floor. REALIZATION.

never content.

i want my life to be back in ny. hectic and busy. buildings, people. city park hangouts. weekend boston trips. i want to drop it all. so tired of nothing here. i miss those people who make me laugh most; who make the best memories. friends who call at just the right times lately. these conversations and seeing everyone up there this week, makes me anxious. i wish ashley could be okay up there. this would've happened. instead, there is an empty apartment in borough park calling my name all summer.

i want to go.
anway, i'm done with internet journals.

there's so much sun where I'm from

I can sit back and look at myself and realize what I'm doing wrong. and why I do the things I do. and how lately I've given in and become more self-destructive than usual because I do nothing that satisfies me. I know what a release is. my automatic reaction is now constant, instead of not so much. I don't care. I can see all of this. No one would get what I mean.

Sometimes i miss the times when drugs clouded my head and everyday blended together.

i expect too much.

if we're quiet &shut the door, they won't know

I've found out more than I wanted to. It's all over my head, it makes me incredibly sad. It's more than I imagined, it's so sad.... This weekend will be consumed by my mother and sisters. So I'll skip my routine of drinking. My plans for Brooklyn have been rearranged again and again, no set date now because Ashley doesn't have one. so frustrating.

I am on empty lately. Not phased by anything. I've realized my trust in anyone has been non-existant. Words, actions - doesn't mean much these days. Who am I to talk though right? I don't know, it makes sense to me. I miss knowing things. I want to be assured. Those days have come and gone, maybe I just didn't appriciate it enough.

Tuesday I have my only exam and I'm done for the semester. What a joke. I really am going to turn everything around when I come back, or whatever happens.

Travis picked this book up and Laur was talking about it last night (she treated me to sushi and sake which I've been craving!). So I started to look at it and I'm surprisingly, strangely interested in it. Love and gratitude...who knows, maybe it will kill my pessimism(is that a word?).

Obsessed with things I'm always told I shouldn't be, but it's gone back to worse in the past few months. I want to stop this routine but I really cannot. d y i n g.

sweetie you had me

i'm lazy. everyday i set out to do certain things, and usually fail at accomplishing 98% of them.

i never do this.